A Humorous Journey Through the Eyes of a Travel-Loving Family and Their Efficiency-Driven Patriarch
My love of travel knows no bounds.
I love to do research for my next trip. I love to plan and look at where I can stay, eat, and play on my next journey. I often sit on one travel journey, researching the next one! I will even admit that I am very guilty of making bookings with the option of a free cancellation. just so I have something to look forward to.
Having children was in no way going to pause my travel obsession.
I made my feelings very clear to my husband that for me to live a happy and fulfilled life, I would need to be able to escape this happy and fulfilled life at least once a year. The kids could either come and experience adventure, expand their minds, and learn about the world, or they could stay home. (Clearly, I prefer the latter.)
When our kids were young, still in diapers, we wouldn’t travel too far away from home. We went to places such as Queensland and NSW and realised that when travelling with very young ones, there is no adventure, no escape, and just the same routine and bum-wiping going on, just with a different view!
I have seen many images, mainly on Pinterest, of these incredibly adventurous families trekking up mountains with a very small child attached to them in a carrier of some form. So I am aware that getting off the beaten track with little people is possible; it’s just not something I could ever enjoy.
The main issue is that I have an “Airport Husband."
If you are not familiar with the term Airport Husband, I shall explain:
My definition is the husband who visits an airport with his family, whom he loves; however, upon entrance to the airport, he morphs into a bossy demon, knowing more than anyone else, in more of a hurry than anyone else, and has only two goals: to get on the plane as fast and smoothly as possible but also to get to his aeroplane seat before a fellow traveller dares take away any of his space in the storage compartment above his aeroplane seat.
It’s easy to spot an Airport Husband.
They are the men who are tapping their feet impatiently in the line to check-in. Often, they have arrived at the check-in counters before they are even open.
Their children will already look tired, as Airport Husband, or to them, Airport Dad, probably had them wake up 6 hours before the time to leave for the airport, as he booked the airport transfer to pick them all up 4 hours before the flight is supposed to leave, even though it is only required for travellers to be at the airport 3 hours before travel for international flights and only 1–2 hours for domestic flights.
The wife will be carrying all the passports and paperwork for the whole family. Airport Husbands take no risks of having their concentration taken away from check-in counter numbers, gate number changes or monitoring security lines.
It’s also important for the Airport Husband to be able to lay blame elsewhere when there are hiccups with plans.
Airport Husband has no part in the making of the plans, only micromanaging them so that someone, is in control at all times!
When these plans are messed with, Airport Husband cannot possibly be at fault! After all, he was too busy planning ahead to be worried about issues for now!
Airport Husband has many great qualities.
He will breeze through the airport x-rays and security. An Airport Husband would never be so silly as to wear a belt with a silver buckle that may set off the machines! He would also never be so careless as to keep small change in his pocket or pack any liquid over 100 ml that he didn't put in a ziplock bag!
Airport Husband mostly prefers to travel in Business Class, for this gives him the revered “express pass” ticket that can get him through security and customs a few seconds faster than the masses.
Once through security and customs, you will not see Airport Husband looking through the shops at Duty-Free. Oh No! Perusing Duty Free is for people that have time, people who have nowhere to rush to!
He will purchase a few essential items from Duty-Free, but only if it has completely run out; the savings of the few dollars for his face cleanser or aftershave are very important, and he does have an extra few seconds up his sleeve from rushing the family through check-in lines.
As the wife of an Airport Husband, it is a carnal sin to wander off in Duty-Free. She cannot think for even a moment that she may have time to sniff a new scent. She must not even consider the option of looking at the makeup counters. The Airport Husband’s wife is only permitted to be in duty-free because she is the holder of boarding passes and passports, something the Airport Husband needs to complete his purchase!
As for the children or teens, they know better than to ask if they can stop and get a drink or something to eat after Duty-Free. Heaven forbid someone needs the toilet!
Nope, not a chance.
A toilet run could send the Airport Husband into a tailspin if the bathrooms are not in the same direction he is walking in, or worse, if there is a line to wait and use the bathroom!
All essential needs, such as food, water, and waste management, will be attended to once Airport Husband is comfortably seated in the lounge or at the gate for at least an hour until boarding time.
It is important to not fall into a false sense of security around the Airport Husband once he is in the lounge.
Again, you can spot the Airport Husband easily in the lounge.
He will arrive, seeming like he is alone, but he most certainly is not.
His wife and children were just unable to keep up with his robust pace as he walked through the airport. After all, he cannot help if his stride is wide and his RPM when walking through an airport is that of Usain Bolt in his Olympic finals race.
Once the Airport Husband arrives at said lounge, it is only then that he will realise that his wife is the holder of the paperwork admitting him into the lounge. His look of impatience and irritation will be as plain as day.
When the rest of the family join him, panting and sweating as they are likely to be, the Airport Husband may appear as though he is relaxed once in the lounge.
Don’t be fooled. His eyes will be firmly planted on the departure screens, and he will jump up fairly often to listen to every overhead announcement. In between, he will check emails on his phone, not his laptop, as he wouldn’t want to take up any time having to pack up and put away said laptop if his flight number is announced.
Around 30 minutes before it is officially time to board the flight, the Airport Husband will announce that the family must “pack up and head out for the walk to the gate.”
The fact that the gate is a mere 20 metres from the lounge is an unimportant detail to Airport Husband, but being at the gate first, potentially giving him the ability to board first, is the sole fuel that has powered Airport Husband from his moment of waking until right now.
Once all travellers are allowed to board, Airport Husband is up and ready. He has grabbed the boarding passes from his wife and is clutching onto them as if he has the Hope Diamond. Airport Husband does have the boarding passes saved to his phone, but having the hard copy gives him much more comfort.
Once on the plane, Airport Husband having found the perfect place to put his luggage away, can finally relax and enjoy his flight.
Airport Husband is now recuperating from what has been a very hectic day so far. He must now conserve his energy to prepare for the airport arrival!
If you thought Airport Husband was a lot to handle during departure, well, he truly flexes his experienced muscles when it comes to arrivals!
Once the pilot has announced that the aircraft is to begin its descent, Airport Husband rips into gear!
His shoes are on, his tray table is away, his seat is in the upright position, and all his items, such as headphones, iPads, and whatever else he requires, are put away and ready to disembark.
If there are immigration cards to complete, the Airport Husband is not concerned, for he entrusts this minor inconvenience to his wife, who is able to complete all information for each member of the family, while at the same time handing out chewing gum to the kids, wiping up spilt drinks, making sure all the kids' devices and personal items are packed away and locating the smallest lost item that has somehow gotten stuck behind her youngest child’s chair.
The Airport Wife knows the Airport Husband will need his strength to power through on little rest and the aircraft dehydration.
Once you land, you will easily spot the Airport Husband!
He is the first to jump up out of his seat once the fasten seat belt sign is switched off! He has all the bags ready in the aisle, ready for the grand finale of races to the customs line or baggage carousel!
Hell hath no fury for another human being that may block the aeroplane aisles by spending too much time getting their own belongings down from above!
The Airport Husband will mutter insults under his breath and stifle an aneurism, trying to control his inner temper at this person who is daring to stop him from passing quickly!
The Airport Husband is quite the marvel at getting off the plane. He will use his swift skills to get through customs however baggage claim is the true point of reckoning for the Airport Husband.
He is powerless to speed up the arrival of his suitcases; he has no option but to wait, tapping his feet and crossing his arms.
He will have the suitcase trolleys ready to go, and he will often stand at the exact spot where the suitcases drop so he doesn’t have to weather the extreme inconvenience of waiting for the carousel to deliver his bags ever so slowly.
When he sees a bag that belongs to someone with his party, he pounces like a lion attacking its prey, grabbing a hold of any piece he can get his hands on, and with the strength of a herd of wild buffalo, he will pull, drag, and thrust the suitcase from the belt to the trolley.
Many people may not realise that the Airport Husband has very good intentions.
All he wants is to make the travel process as smooth and issue-free as possible for himself and his family. Unfortunately, his idiosyncrasies often get in the way of his intentions.
Perhaps you have someone in your life who is the Airport Husband? Perhaps you recognise within yourself that you are the Airport Husband? Either way, I'd love to hear your experiences!
