They say life is all about stages and phases. Nobody tells you this. From what I can work out, being a “grown-up” means navigating through these phases and stages without the safety of your parents or caretakers to keep a watchful eye over your welfare. Every person will eventually have to stand on their own two feet. Personally, I felt ready for this independent stage in my life as early as I could remember.
I was not the kid who held onto my mother’s hand with fear of letting go. My mother loves to tell me how I was the kid on the first day of school who pushed her out of the way and ran off the moment the car stopped because I was incredibly impatient and couldn’t wait to find the fun.
I was also the type of child who never considered the consequences. I am still the same carefree (or perhaps, careless?) person who dives headfirst into what I see is the shiniest object in front of me.
Am I blissfully unaware? Or do I just not spend too much time overthinking?
Many years ago, when I married my husband at the ripe age of 25, I was unaware of the fact that I also married my husband’s family. Nobody told me that was a thing. I came from a large family of people who had been married multiple times and I had many estranged family members who had, due to various family disagreements, no contact with one another. It was somewhat normal for me to throw into a sentence, “my ex-aunt said…” or “I used to have a cousin who…” I knew broken families. Not families who actually all got together once a week and enjoy dinners.
For better or worse I actually hit the jackpot with my husband’s brood because I gained new parents and siblings who honestly love me more than my own flesh and blood.
Being a newly married couple, we hadn’t yet had our own children. Kids were not on our radar. We weren’t one of those couples who daydreamed about the house with the white picket fence and being surrounded by mini fabulous versions of ourselves. We were the couple that still lived for the weekends, slept off hangovers all day on Sundays, and made overseas travel plans a year ahead using our frequent flyer points. We knew we would have kids one day, but at this time in our lives, the parental desires did not even murmur a whir sound in my man’s testicles….
Suffice to say, we also were not exactly “kid people”. Most of our friends who had children already, did the respectful thing of getting babysitters to care for their offspring, so they could join us at the bars and restaurants. Not a person in either of our contact lists would have ever considered us potential candidates to keep an eye on their kids. It’s not that we were irresponsible, we just loved dogs more than the thought of playing “peek-a-boo” with slobbery, snotty, small humans in nappies.
There’s no handbook in life to guide you through the “unspoken rules”, and there’s also no instruction manual to explain or help you manage the expectations of new phases in your life.
In my case, one of the largest uncharted territories I found myself thrust into, was the role of an Aunt to my new husband’s niece.
She was a cute baby, and a pretty quiet kid. I sort of liked her, in the way that her presence around me wasn’t highly offensive, but I just didn’t really understand how or what I was supposed to do as an Aunt.
I decided to Google “What is the role of an Aunt?”. The first search result was this one article (written by a person who truly excels in all things SEO) titled, “Benefits of Aunts: Why Aunts May be Just As Important As Moms”.
The part of the article that hit me was:
“Aunts provide stability and an escape from the day-to-day. Research refers to the aunt-niece relationship as “quasi-parenthood,” in that an aunt isn’t the mother, but she does play a role in raising and shaping the life of her niece. Aunts serve as a safety net, a comforter, protector and supporter. They’re not always around, but they’re never too far when you need them.” (Melanie Notkin is the founder of Savvy Auntie. You can find her on Facebook.com/SavvyAuntie.)
My favourite Aunt is my mother’s younger sister. This aunt of mine did not play a role in raising me, nor did she shape any major parts of my life. But she was always there when I needed a partner in crime at family events. She was the other part of my comedy duo, she always made sure my wine glass was full, and was the best person to sit next to at the dinner table to enjoy taking the utter piss out of all the family madness and chaos happening around us, as only another member of the family can.
She is still my favourite Aunt.
Now that I’m an adult, I can see that she had no idea what to do as an Aunt when I was born. She was 16 years old when I came along, and it’s not fun being a teenager, playing “peek-a-boo” with a slobbery, snotty small human in a nappy.
But my Aunt did give me one thing that I have kept to this day.
When I must have been around 8 or 9 years old she gave my mother a box of old toys and random stuff she had cleared out of her room, and amongst the pile of barbies and wombat soft toys there lay the Bible. Not the actual New Testament, but the almanac of how to live your life when you truly give no fucks….
Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life was a national bestselling advice book written by Miss Piggy in 1981, at the height of her superstardom. It was released in hardcover, and includes many both black and white and colour photographs. The style of the book is a send-up of the self-help books popular in the 1970s and 1980s. And I am still the proud owner of this very well-loved Guide.
So last year, when my very own niece turned 18 years old, I knew that there was no gift I could give her that she would truly love or appreciate as much as an instruction manual, penned by the carefree (perhaps, careless?) Aunt, who always wished there was a guidebook for how to navigate life’s stages and phases. I knew in writing it and presenting it to her, she may not realize how the advice in the content would come in handy right then and there. But I wrote it with the mindset of what advice I would have liked to have been given when I turned 18.
I am so unashamedly proud of the Guide I wrote for her that I thought, I’m going to gift it to the world. After all, if Miss Piggy can write a nationally bestselling advice book, surely I could too!
Enjoy!
A Handy Handbook of Real Life Advice, For When You Need More Than A Guardian Angel……
Dear Niece,
On your 18th birthday, it’s time to enlighten you with all the truths about life, that only someone who didn’t give birth to you can pass on.
Now that you are an adult, life is about to get trickier, but also more interesting! Sometimes you’re going to end up in situations where you don’t know which way to turn. So rather than be stuck, here is my gift to you…
A handbook for all those moments you think, “What Would Dee Do?”
Like all things in life, you have choices….
You can read this with humor, you can take on board the parts you agree with, you can also ignore all of it. At the end of the day, now that you are an adult, all your choices you make will lead you to the path of the life you choose to create….
And that, dear niece, is advice #1….
“Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make, makes you!”
At 18 years old, you think you know it all. No doubt you know a lot, but nobody knows it all.
Now you get to make the choices to be your own person, and with that means the impact of your choices pretty much only impact you.
“You will fuck up. a lot.”
You will fuck up at home, you will fuck up at work. You will fuck up with friends and in relationships.
It happens.
Don’t be one of those people that blames others for your fuck-ups.
Admit you fucked up and do what you can to make it right.
Remember the fuck up and do better next time.
Forgive other people’s fuck-ups. Especially if they truly are major fuck-ups and were unintended to harm you.
If not, then fuck them up.
“The pressure you feel to be perfect is pressure you put on yourself. Let It Go.”
Nobody is perfect. No matter what you do or how hard you try, you will never be perfect.
And what is perfect? In whose eyes do you want to be perfect?
Beauty is in the cracks. Beauty is imperfection. You don’t need to be perfect you just need to be a good person.
“Pay attention to what interests you. Those things are your passion. And it will change. And that’s OK.”
Today you may be into art, tomorrow it may be sport. You may like punk music, but tomorrow its reggae.
Enjoy your interests. Enjoy the moments when you are doing what you love.
Don’t sacrifice what you enjoy doing, or interests you, to fit in or make someone else happy.
If you are doing something that fills your cup and gives you enjoyment, keep doing it. Get better at it. Maybe you can show someone else what you love and share the joy with them.
Maybe it’s weird. Maybe people don’t understand. Does it matter? To who? Think about it.
“Surround yourself with people that leave you feeling good about yourself; this won’t be everyone you value as a close friend, today.”
Friendships come and go, but family is forever. I’m sure you’ve heard that saying.
It’s bullshit. At your age, it’s bullshit.
You already feel that your friends “understand” you more than your family. They probably do. But your friends are also young and are also figuring shit out, so do they know what is best for you? Absolutely not.
Does your family know what’s best for you? Absolutely not.
No one can tell you what is best for you.
What’s best for you is making decisions that don’t leave you needing to reflect on the choice.
If you spend any time thinking, “was that right?”, “was that wrong?”, “did I make the right choice?”.. then all you are doing is wasting time sitting in the uncomfortable when you could be on the path to living your life and working it out organically.
Here is the hard truth:
Your friends have their own agenda.
Are you actually that shocked?
Think back to the last time one of your friends gave you advice, how did things turn out? Did you take their advice and go and do what made you feel good? Or did you take their advice because they seem like they know more than you, so they must be right?
9/10 times, friends give advice because it suits their own agenda.
Even if they are truly living a stress-free, perfect life, without any worries or cares in the world, the advice they share comes from their own life experience. Which guess what? Isn’t yours.
So, take it with a grain of salt. Listen to them. Then decide what is right for you.
Be aware of friends who do the following:
Only call you with their problems.
Always want you to be the wingman.
Can never be happy for you.
If you need to explain to other people who don’t know them well: “that’s just the way they are”….
If they get mad at you for not answering messages, or not coming to their rescue.
If they judge you, all the time, or your choices.
If they hit on your man/woman.
If they fuck your man/woman.
Only want to do dangerous or bad stuff with you because they are too scared to do it alone.
Make you the butt of the joke.
Make you feel on edge because they may be “moody”.
Make you feel like you have done something wrong, but won’t tell you what it is.
Ghost you.
Make you a scapegoat for their bad behavior.
Leave you feeling mentally and emotionally drained after every conversation.
Give you a feeling like you don’t want to answer the phone to them, often.
These people are toxic. They will never add value to your life. Learn to distinguish what is a phase someone may be going through, and what is an ingrained part of their personality. Walk away with dignity because these people will only drain your energy.
Most importantly, don’t be one of these people. If you recognise that you are displaying any of these behaviours, then take a long walk and work out what you need to change to do better.
“Friendship is about quality. Not quantity”
I’m sure you know this, but you don’t need 100 friends. You need true friends.
This goes for sex partners. Some people love to brag about having slept with a lot of people. It doesn’t make you experienced, it just makes you someone who overshares.
“Be Grateful”
I’m not talking about keeping a gratitude journal or going around a table at the end of a day telling people what bullshit your grateful for that day. I mean be grateful for the shit that you have. Be grateful for the shit that was given to you.
You might think others have more. Some do. But what you have is your story. Only you walk in your shoes. So be appreciative that someone else (probably your mum) made sacrifices to give you those shoes.
And that doesn’t mean you throw that back in the face of the person who gave you stuff, in times when you're angry. We know you didn’t necessarily ask for you you were given. But given stuff you were. So don’t be sour. Be grateful, silently.
“You reap what you sow. Look forward to karma.”
If you treat people badly, be prepared for them to treat you badly.
If you do something mean spirited, be prepared to have that happen to you too.
In life, the comeuppance doesn’t hit you immediately, it waits until a time when you least expect it.
It may be years.
So remember when you make deals with the devil, the devil always comes looking for you.
“Fuck off YOLO.” “You only live once”.
Great mantra for people who die by 30. YOLO is an attitude that will just make you do stupid stuff and lead you down into some dark, scary places.
Life your best life is a much better mantra, Do what makes you happy. Don’t do shit that makes you suffer.
“Remember where you came from.”
I don’t mean where you lived or grew up. I mean remember the values you were taught.
In life, you will meet many people who come with different values, and you will find them crazy, weird or even think they are wrong. The life you have experienced is all you really know.
Be open to listening to other peoples’ stories. Learn from them. Walk away if it’s not aligned with your values.
You may find some of the values and traditions you grew up with crazy. For example, being a certain religion. You may not understand the value of what that means or why it is special. But if you take anything from it, take the sense of community. Religious communities have always been accepting places. You don’t know its value now, but one day you will understand. You don’t need to practice the religion, but respect it.
“Learn about money. As much as you don’t want to care, it’s important. “
Don’t be naive about money.
Understand where it comes from and how fast it goes.
Save it for a rainy day. It will pour one day.
Money is freedom. Freedom to travel, to buy what you need to survive, freedom to run to a safe place if you need to.
Never borrow money. The feeling of owing someone is terrible. Debt is shit.
If you can’t afford it, you can’t have it.
Work for your own money. It’s your ticket to freedom.
“Stop taking things so personally. Learn how to accept constructive feedback and compliments”.
Not everyone is out to get you.
Most people don’t think about you or your feelings enough to realise they have upset you.
Forgive their stupidity.
Do not forgive cruelness.
Stop overthinking shit, it wastes time and stops you being happy.
Feedback can be a gift. If someone is berating you and telling you all the terrible things about yourself, that’s not feedback, that's abuse.
Feedback is when someone genuinely takes the time to hear you and offers advice without asking or expecting anything in return. These people want to see you do well.
You don’t have to agree with their feedback. But remember it, it may be advice you want to use later.
The same goes for compliments. Learn to say thank you and accept them.
“It’s not all about you. Really. “
When you were a baby, you were your parents every waking thought. Now you are an adult, and although they think of you, they are living their lives, just as you are.
Not every conversation you hear is about you.
Not everything you do in life will receive a round of applause.
You don’t need to shout from the hilltops about every good deed you do.
You don’t need to confess your sins to anyone who will listen.
Most people are not going to understand when you are in a bad mood or need space. Most people will also not care enough to accommodate you.
Learn to communicate. Tell people when you need space, in turn ask people when you need company.
Nobody is thinking about you or considering you as much as you would like them to.
Learn to be comfortable in your own skin and like who you are, this is the answer to being disappointed when you discover that things are not all about you.
“Nothing good happens after 2am.”
Remember this.
After 2am you are only staying out for 2 reasons:
1. You don’t want to stop the good times.
2. You are worried you will miss out on the good times if you leave earlier.
There are always more good times to be had.
The only memories created after 2 am are of people passing out/getting arrested/ending up in some strange place and not being able to get home/doing shit you wish you were not doing.
“There is never a right time.”
If you wait for the right time to do things, life will pass you by.
I know a girl who put off going to travel around Europe indefinitely, because the time was never right. She wanted to save more money, she wanted to be here until this happened and that was completed. At 23, she bought the ticket. She was finally going. 3 weeks before she left, she met a guy in a bar. She met her person. The person she knew she wanted to build a life with. She decided to stay in Melbourne and see where that relationship went. It ended up with an amazing marriage, a truly happy life, and three kids you now know as your cousins……
I missed the right time. But Europe will always be there, just not in the same ways I imagined, backpacking and living life with no plans. I don’t regret any part of it. But it would have been nice to have that experience before I settled down.
The moral of this story is that life happens. You can’t stop it. So don’t wait for anything if it’s important, do it.
“Bad things happen to good people. Bad people also happen to good people.”
There is no rationalizing this.
Life isn’t fair.
You won’t always get what you want.
You can cry and say “why me”? The universe will reply “why not you?”
There’s no hard and fast way to give you guidance on this. You have to accept it and always keep a positive mindset. Shit can always get worse.
“Use protection”.
Sunscreen is important. Condoms are more important. Unless you want a baby or a vagina disease. AIDS is still a thing. So is herpes.
If a guy tells you “it doesn’t feel the same wearing a dinger”, well then he can go fuck someone else. (He is right, it doesn’t feel the same, but it also doesn’t feel good to have seeping, puss filled warts all over your pink bits that will spread to every other person you ever bump bits with).
“Actions speak louder than words. “
People won’t remember what you do, but they will remember the way you make them feel.
Be kind.
Don’t be an asshole.
Stand up for injustice, even if that makes you stand out.
Do what you can within your power to help others.
You can tell someone to “fuck off” but the best action is to walk away happy, knowing you did what you could to make things right.
“It’s OK to be alone. It’s actually important.”
Get to know yourself.
Always being around people zaps your energy and creativity.
It’s OK to skip a night out to stay home and watch crap on TV.
Time alone allows you to recharge and refuel, so you can have more fun when you are next in the mood to be social.
Cherish your alone time, you get less of it as you get older.
“It’s OK to say no.”
I don’t mean in sex. Of course, it’s OK to say “no” to sex.
But it’s also OK to say “no” to anyone who asks something of you that you really don’t want to do.
If you don’t want to go to a party, don’t. But don’t feel like you are letting people down. It’s far worse to go to something and sit there resentful, than say “no” and be happy with your choice.
“Travel.”
Travel. See the world. Have experiences.
Travel alone, or with friends. Not only with your family.
See things you can’t see when looking out the window in Melbourne.
Talk to locals. Try new food.
Take pictures, not selfies.
Make memories.
Never give your bags to other people to watch.
Never agree to transport a package for anyone. No matter how good looking the person is.
If you don’t understand what I am referring to, here is a list of movies that you must watch before embarking on travelling overseas on your own or with friends:
Brokedown Palace
Midnight Express
The Bangkok Hilton
Always tell someone where you are going.
If you are overseas, turn on “find my iphone” so that if you are abducted you can be found.
“Your parents are just people.”
This is a hard lesson to learn. If you haven’t already.
The day will come when all of a sudden you will see your parents, not as “mum or “dad”, but as people. And you may decide you don’t like what you see.
You will never be able to change them or change the past.
You just have to accept that they did the best they could at that time.
You will think you would have done things differently. You probably think the outcomes would have been better. Maybe they would have been, maybe they wouldn’t. You’ll never know.
You can’t live in the past. If you do, that will make you a sad person.
All you can do is decide to try raise your family differently.
“You can go to prison. You will be trialled as an adult.”
And i’m assuming prison isn’t anything like “Orange Is The New Black”.
You will probably have to be gay for the stay. And the woman you chooses you as her girlfriend will probably be over 150kg, with bad breath and no teeth.
This will be even worse if you are put in a prison overseas.
They will cavity search you.
So bottom line, if you engage in illegal activity, be prepared for this lifestyle.
“It’s OK to change.”
You will outgrow people.
You will start liking different things.
You must never feel bad about this.
Especially in relationships.
“Not everyone will like you”.
Do you like everyone you meet? Probably not.
Chances are you will meet people who will think your a bitch. Or will judge you on looks alone. It’s OK.
You don’t have to be liked by everyone but learn to be amicable with people, because the person you despise most in your life right now will turn up again when you least expect it.
“Love and relationships are meant to be easy.”
This is my greatest piece of advice to you.
Anyone who tells you “relationships are hard, they take work”, is full of shit.
That saying, is meant for middle aged couples who have been married for 30 years and have lost their passion for each other.
You are 18.
Your relationships are supposed to be fun, full of joy and good times. Rough roads do happen, but if you have to make a million excuses or find you have to seriously compromise, all the time, then babe, you are with the wrong person.
Your boyfriends you have over the next 5 years will more than likely not be the person you will marry.
These relationships are “test” relationships. They are designed to show you what you want and do not want from your forever person.
“You will get your heart broken. At least 3 times. And you will survive”.
You will fall in love many times.
You will fall in love with boys.
You will fall in love with girls.
You will fall in love with mentors.
I don’t mean sexual feelings. Sexual feelings are lust, not love.
Love is a soul mate connection. You can’t make sense of it, so don’t try.
Don’t confuse loving someone with being unable to be alone so you stay with them.
Not all love is forever.
When it ends it is painful.
Don’t beg to get it back because when you do, it’s never the same.
“Drugs”.
You will be offered drugs.
You should say “no” to drugs.
If you choose not to say “no” to drugs, here is what you need to know:
Most people you know have or do smoke dope.
There is a fine line between enjoying a joint here and there and living in the bong.
People that live in the bong, sit inside garages all day, play video games and generally waste their lives. These are often the ones that end up with drug-induced psychosis. These people are boring, and they stink.
Cocaine — it’s everywhere. If you can afford it, just know that there is a 99% chance you are snorting 1 part drug and 9 parts protein powder. It’s expensive and it doesn’t really enhance your night out. You will feel shit the next day. You will feel even worse two days later. It zaps your brain of serotonin, so two-three days after you will feel deeply depressed/angry. Do not see people on this day. Never be the person who arranges it for others. Friendships will be ruined.
LSD/Trips. — not at all my forte, but the rule here is always do this shit with people you genuinely trust around you, especially if you do take too much or freak out. Make sure the people you are with are so trusted that they can take care of you in an emergency.
Pills/Ecstasy — can be fun, but can be fucked. If you take one that has a mess of ingredients in it you can end up vomiting and passing out all night and day. How do you know what ingredients its made up of? You don’t. And you never will. Good luck taking that risk. It lasts for 12 hours. There is no turning back once you take it. Again, be with people you trust. Drink lots of water. You will feel like death afterwards for days.
Ketamine — Again, not my forte. People like it because its cheap. Never accept it from a girl you meet in a bathroom. Never accept it from a dude you go on a date with. It’s a horse tranquilliser. Are you a horse? No. Then you really have no business doing this one.
Heroin. Do not even be serious that you would consider this trash. You are better than this. If you are dating someone who does this crap, run. A mile.
Must see Movies if you ever think trying Heroin is a good idea:
The Basketball Diaries
Requiem For A Dream (prepare to need therapy after this one)
Go
Trainspotting
“Never Settle. Ever.”
The unhappiest people you will meet are people who have settled for what they truly didn’t want or what they thought they deserved.
Keep your standards high. Don’t settle for being treated badly.
Don’t settle for being let down repeatedly.
Don’t settle for what you are offered because someone told you that’s all you will ever get.
Don’t settle for what you are offered because someone told you thats all you are worth.
If you are in a situation where you feel you really are being given the short straw, look at why. Is it because you treated someone a certain way? Is it because you allowed them to walk all over you? Is it because you allowed them to get away with treating you badly in the past?
The only person who can speak up for you, is you. Find your voice and use it wisely.
“The happiest you’ve ever been is not the happiest you’ll ever be”
There are always good times to be had.
Things will always get better.
Wishes do come true.
You can manifest what you want.
Happiness is the way you see things. If you look on the bright side of life, instead of the dark side, you will be happier.
Don’t fixate on shit you can’t control. Move on. Don’t be a dweller.
Niece,
As i said earlier, you can take this guide, shove it in a drawer and think of it as a load of horseshit. But maybe one day you’ll pull it out, flick through and decide to read it and hopefully it gives you a snippet of good advice.
Happy 18th!
Much Love always,
Dee xx
So there we have it. Aunty Dee’s Guide to Life.
It’s not designed to be 100% agreed with by others who read it, it’s just my snippets of goodwill I wanted to pass onto my niece.
When she received it on her birthday, she was thrilled.
I believe her exact words were, “I love shit like this!”…….
So if you have a person in your world who you also feel would “love shit like this”, then feel free to share this blog onto them. And if they don’t receive it in the intended way you sent it, just think, “What would Dee do?”…..!
